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Dear Paul,

Dear Paul

I think of you every day.  Upon waking, I sit with my coffee and my readings, and there you are.  Forever in my heart and my mind.  I see us together, in another place, you are bright yellow and I am bright blue.  You are always comforting me.  I won’t leave you alone, I don’t want you to leave me again.

You just laugh at me and let me know that you won’t, that we are always together whether I see you or not.  I do wish I could see you, to talk to you.

I can’t believe how difficult losing you has been.  I’ve never been in this position before and it hurts all the time.  It shows up in very interesting ways.   Ever since you died, my whole body hurts.  My joints, everything.  I relate it to your death because that’s when it started.  I also can’t seem to remember anything.  It’s because you are in every thought, in every action of my everyday.  Not in a bad way, but I can’t stop thinking about you.  Even when I’m thinking of other things, you are always there.  And I’m so glad and so sad at the exact same time.

It feels like I’m moving through a thick sludge.  My mind is cloudy, I don’t really want to do anything, I just want to sit and protect my broken heart.  I don’t even want to talk about you, because I hate what people say to me. “Don’t be sad, Paul wouldn’t want that”, of course, you wouldn’t, yet I am.  That’s when I tuck in and imagine bluey and yellow just sitting together, taking the time to let me heal.  Other people, kindly ask how I am.  How do I even answer that?  I don’t know, I’m sad, I miss you I wish you were here. My life sucks, I can’t think straight.  Yet I am ok, deeply ok.  I’m just really, really sad.

I still don’t understand why you died.  Why you?  I guess why anyone, but really Paul, why you?  You had so much love and life to give.  It makes no sense and I doubt I will ever understand it.  I make up all kinds of things in my head about where you are and what you are doing. I feel you around me all the time.   We are all sad, we all miss you.

I’m trying to accept this, and it’s hard because I don’t want it to be true.  I really want you to still be in CA and I can still call you if I want to.  That’s why I’m writing you this letter.  I want you to know that I miss you so much and that I love you so much.  I wish you would come back and I know you won’t.

It’s so damn final.   It’s the finality that is the most difficult.  That there is nothing that we can do to change this. It’s what it is.  And it sucks.

I keep thinking about when we were kids.  We had so much fun running around outside at all hours on any day.  I remember the dog house that buttons used to drag around the backyard while you played baseball with your friends.

I remember the big room in the yellow house where all us girls slept and that big scary tree that used to put shadows in the room and scare us.

I remember playing in that attic and the chicken coop.

When we moved to Noeske street I remember playing capture the flag and deer at Barstow woods.  The giant worm fights we would have when it rained.  Mostly I remember you with all your friends and thinking how cool I thought you were.  How much I wanted to hang around you so I could be cool too.

The green and white van that we would put keggers in and drive around.  Not so smart, but fun.

The best memory I have of you was the last time I saw you.  We were hiking up the mustard flower hill and you were literally kicking my ass.  You had just started on your sleep apnea machine and had so much energy.  I remember noticing that I wished we were closer.  I felt a distance between us and I wanted to change that.  It made me sad that I never got the chance to move closer to you.  I do know you were so stoked that you kicked my butt.  I can see you laughing and being so happy and that makes me smile.

All those memories are constantly showing up.  I miss, not those times, but you.  It’s as if something has totally gone from me, and the emptiness it has left is so profound.  How do I function without you?  I miss you so damn much.  I miss everything you were to me, my big brother.

I love you pollywogs, so, so much.

Your sister,

Beth

 

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